It may be that I watch too much "Glee" or it was the 2 hour drive I had in my car today, to and from school, but as I listened to my ipod the songs took me back to my past and current relationships.
I thought I would share the past 2 years of my dysfunctional love life "Glee" style... by song. Enjoy.
First off, this song speaks for itself. I'm pretty sure Taylor swift wrote this song for me. Word for word. Right down to the reference of being 19.
"Dear John" by Taylor Swift
So, the second guy I dated I fell for pretty hard, so hard I failed to realize in the 10 months I dated him, off and on, he HAD A SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND! OH WAIT! HE FORGOT TO TELL ME THAT! Idiot. Anyway, Mr. Farmboy quickly earned this song from me without hesitation.
"Cowboy Casanova" by Carrie Underwood
Moving on...
Guy #3 Well he's a mystery to everyone! Whenever I hear this song, I think of him for some reason... and not because he's dead... because he's not.
"Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel, done by Puck on "Glee"
Guy number four. This guy I am still good friends with, and he is great, just REALLY indecisive. Like changing his mind about dating me 3 different times.
"Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry
And finally numero cinco....
This guy deserves my all time favorite song. I love you Addison! I can't wait to spend forever with you!
My second semester of school just started and I have spent a good portion of today in shock from my busy week. I am tired. It's after 2pm and I would go back to bed until tomorrow morning if River would let me.
I'm not much for complaining on-line, but lets get real here... being a single Mom is hard, and it really sucks! I have spent a total of 9+ hours in my car driving River and myself around. I have done 5 loads of laundry that are all sitting in a pile waiting to be folded, and it looks like a toy store threw up in my living room. The hours of homework I have is almost too much for me to bare. I have even started threatening River that if he wasn't good, Santa would come back for his presents, and instead of this upsetting River, he is excited to see Santa. Woopsie.
Here is the upside... The all-nighters, the black bags under my eyes and even watching the dumbest shows, like Mario are all worth it. I would do it 20 times over if it meant River was happy and healthy. I hope he sees my hard work, to do what I love, so that as he grows he will be determined to work hard to do what he loves.
I have been blessed to have some great examples of single Moms along the way that inspire me watching them first hand...
-My dear friend Rachel, who has a similar situation as mine, yet seems to do it all and she does it well! She has become one of my greatest friends and I adore her!
-One of my bosses, Kami, who really does it all! She is Mom and Dad, goes to every sports game, event, school activity etc. and adores her kids every movement! She works so hard to give her kids the best life! She was there at the beginning of my trek to single motherhood and has unknowingly held my hand through some of my worst days.
-Joelyn. She is in my program at school, has 5 kids, and is also AMAZING! I feel like people are brought into our lives for a reason, and she is there to help me keep working hard, because I know she understands how hard it all is between the projects, heartache and defeats!
...and most importantly...
-My Mom! She didn't become a single Mom until I was 14, all her other kids grown, but I was a doosie! She loved me better than anyone could ever love me at the hardest points in both our lives! She is my best friend and I confide in her for everything! The thing that has always amazed me is that I cannot recall ONE moment where I heard her complain about what was going on. She is incredible!
I know I will have many more nights when I lay in the fetal position, praying for my homework to burn, but doing it all for the better life for River is worth every second. So here's to all the single Moms out there... I raise my Dr.Pepper can to you!
So, happy one year anniversary to me being single...
I will not go into any detail about my marriage or divorce but I would love to address what divorce is like being a young, Mormon, Mommy.
I am sure anyone who has gone through divorce can tell you it's a living hell. If you have experienced a death close to you and gone through a divorce you will know this is a very similar feeling, with one very big difference... support.
I am lucky! I have an amazing family and group of friends who were with me 110% of the way, but it doesn't mean you still don't hear people asking questions about you, what happened, getting those comments such as, "are you sure you did everything?" So divorce is like death because you are morning the loss of a life you had, but without the support of everyone around you. I didn't receive any casseroles, funeral potatoes or orange rolls, but I learned how truly blessed I am to have such good people in my life.
On the flip side, I learned who I did not want in my life anymore. You find out who really cares about you and who turns their back on you. There were not too many people that did that to me, but a very close friend did, which was almost equally as devastating to me.
Now I am 25 years old, a single Mommy, back at an LDS school and I feel so different, and often alone because of my situation. As everyone else is flirting and going on dates, I have to think more long term about who I want in my life and potentially in my child's life. How am I supposed to fit a date in with my homework, chores and everything else I have to do. Many times when guys find out that I have a kid they are out of there before I finish my sentence or look at me like, "bummer".
Something very interesting has also happened through all of this, I am now the person people come to when they are having marriage problems... and sometimes I think they are asking for my advice to get divorced. Although I love talking to people and helping them through things I always make one thing very clear. DIVORCE SUCKS! Figure it out if you can, if there is no other option, then do what you have to do, with thoughtful prayer, advice and counseling, BUT FOR THE LOVE, I will not advise you to get divorced, bash your husband or give you my divorce lawyers number. (Again, let me be clear that I LOVE talking to people about their life, and helping talk things out with them!)
I do feel like I have been very blessed through this experience by learning love and compassion for others who deal with similar situations and have learned to not place judgement on others. I have been given this blessing and with that I am here for my friends and loved ones who struggle.
And one last thought... the next time you hear that someone in your neighborhood, ward, work, family etc. is getting divorced, avoid the chatter, and take them a cake. They need love a hug and lots of chocolate.
Maybe I am having a moment, but it's a moment I have needed for a long time. I am starting something new with my life. I am back in Utah, getting ready to go to LDS Business to study Interior Design. I have known my whole life that it was my calling. I used to arrange my Hanson posters in just the right places of my room so that it was balanced, when I was 11. :) I am starting something else new... I am ready to figure out who I am on every other level of my life.
After the divorce it has taken me time to put the pieces back together of who I am, and who I want to be. So here are things I love, things I already am... (in no particular order)
1. my son 2. my family 3. my religion 4. recycling 5. bargain shopping 6. interior design 7. my friends 8. hard work 9. the ocean 10. city lights 11. loyalty 12. talking to a stranger about life 13. strawberries from my mom's garden 14. cookies 15. sarcasm 16. beautiful clothes 17. movies 18. my birthday 19. twilight 20. singing in the car 21. laughing so hard you cry 22. photo albums 23. seeing the stars in the middle of nowhere 24. furniture 25. the idea of fate etc. etc. etc. etc.
So here is to the start of knowing who I am again, and the future of who I will become.
Ten years have passed and I still miss Dad like it was the first day without him. I have anticipated the 10 year mark all year and here we are. River and I went up to his grave to say hello, and with everything going on in my life right now it was overwhelming. I told River little stories about his Grandpa. How funny he was, how smart he was, how mad he used to make me and my sweet two year old hugged me as I left tear stains on the headstone.
At Dad's funeral there were hundreds and hundreds of people there. I had never seen so many flowers in my life. I have never felt so much love as I did that day. Each one of my siblings wrote him a letter and I recently found the one I wrote as a 14 year old girl....
May 2000
Dear Daddy,
Words cannot express how much I love you, and how much I will miss you.
Thank you for all the memories you have given to me, I will forever cherish them.
Living my life without knowing you would be like life without sunshine. You have taught me so much. You always laughed at us when we got really mad at you for a stupid reason, and now looking back I should have laughed with you. You were always positive and excited about everything. Although you may have started hundreds of different things, and never once did you finish them, you always taught me to try everything that interested me.
As I grew up you always made me feel special, even when I wasn’t the best at something, you always encouraged me to stick with it. These past couple years have been the hardest for me. I never saw myself as others did. I was wasting my talents, and gifts, which you worked so hard to help me develop, and you never did complain. I’m ready to make you proud of me, I will always try my hardest to do my best, and accept myself for who I am.
You have given me the greatest gift anyone could be given, and that’s the gospel.
You raised me knowing that I can be with my family for eternity, and that I can be with my heavenly father again. I have the faith that you are in heaven looking down and protecting our family.
I also wanted to tell you that there are many people that love you, and care for you. There are many people that are very proud of you. There are many people that admire you as a person, and a father. And I am one of those many people.
Thank you for your hard work as a father, and a friend.
I love you very much.
Good-bye for now, until we meet again,
Love Always,
Your Pookey
Kelli C. Rasmussen
This is my letter to him 10 years later...
May 2010
Dear Daddy,
I love you and I miss you. I know you have been with me over the past ten years. These ten years have been a rollercoaster. I have really struggled without you here, although you left me an amazing Mom that has been supportive and loving through all the struggles I have had.
I am pretty sure you handpicked River in heaven to be mine. He reminds me of you. He laughs at me when I'm mad. I am still working on laughing more at things that are stupid.
I still hope I make you proud. It has taken me quite a few years, but I am living again, not just walking through life, but actually living. I am happy with the person I am. FINALLY! I am excited to better myself and learn from those around me. I stopped singing after you died, I stopped playing basketball, I stopped a lot of things, but now I sing in the car, I find myself shooting hoops with River and that desire to do the things you helped me with is back.
I still look forward to the day I get to wrap my arms around you as we reunite as a family for eternity, but I still have a lot to do down here, and you have a lot of work to do up there. So watch me close, you are still my Daddy and I need you more than ever.
It's hard to believe that it has been 10 years since my Dad passed away... so much has changed yet I feel him with me with every changing event, big or small.
To honor him I have chosen 10 things to do in honor of him.
1. Go back to school Dad was a big believer in getting your education... after many regrets when it comes to school, I am ready to embark on this adventure. This will be happening this fall, more details to come.
2. Climb Mt. St. Helens Dad climbed Mt. St. Helens a few times and I was always too young to go. It's my turn to do it, even if I hate hiking, it will be a great experience.
3. Go on a family vacation! Disneyland here we come! Some of my fondest memories from my childhood were on our family vacations. We have not been on a family vacation as a whole family since he has passed and it's about time, but this time instead of 7 people, there will be 16.
4. Go to a Mariners game Again, the many times he went I was always too young to go.
5. Run the Starlight parade... or just go to it. This was something I remember doing as a family a few times and I loved watching it! I still remember some high school, band kid barfing a few feet away from me. My Dad also ran the Portland Marathon and let's be realistic here.... that's just not going to happen for me, so I can possibly handle a 3 mile run, and that's only if people will do it with me!
6. Go camping This is something I have never done and I blame my Dad for it. We always stayed in hotels, never tents. Apparently he got tried of all the camping he had to do as a kid so that's why we never did it. It has benefited me in some ways, I work in a hotel now, and I can remember every hotel room I have ever stayed in. Now at the age of 24, I am ready to do something different and enjoy a nights sleep on the hard, rocky ground.
7. Learn to change the oil in my car This was something he always did, and I would love to say I know how to do it... anyone know how and want teach me?
8. Put together a memory book At his funeral people wrote down memories of him, and we have them in a box. I would love to have copies for myself to read how many lives he touched.
9. Do something kind for the people who have helped me these past 10 years This will take some brainstorming, but it's never too late to tell people you appreciate them.
10. Watch his favorite movies Mrs. Doubtfire, Field of Dreams, etc. I am a big movie fan, so what better way to connect with him than through movies.
I will follow up with these goals when I have completed them. This is something I am really looking forward to!
As some of you may know my oldest nephew Noe, who is 7 years old has autism. April is autism awareness month and instead of talking about all the struggles with autism I want to share how Noe has affected my life...
Being the youngest of 5 kids I was very excited to have nephews and nieces and when Noe was born that excitement only grew. Jen and Ed were living in NYC when Noe was born and I was out there every chance I had to see my beautiful,brown-eyed nephew. I dressed him up in his Blazer attire and followed him around with a camera.
When Noe was two he was diagnosed with autism. This was very upsetting and painful to know he would struggle, but what comforts me most is that Noe is so special that he was chosen to live this life a little different than the rest of us. Noe is smart and talented and has such an excitement for life. He can hike and bike for hours, something I will NEVER be able to do. He has the most beautiful, infectious smile and laugh and occasionally when we are together he gives me a look that tells me he trusts me.
Noe has changed my life and every time I see him he reminds me that just because people have their struggles it does not make them any less capable, which is a lesson I constantly need reminded of.
